It is with a heavy heart then, that I head home a day early in order to attend his memorial. It's hard to have proper closure of my life-changing semester, and to have proper closure with his passing. Also, this tragedy opened a similar wound left by the death of another incredible friend of mine, Gus McCravey, who passed over the summer; both 21-year-old vibrant, young men.
For my final project however, we're required to reflect on ourselves as "agents of change," and this opportunity to write allowed me to express not only things I've discovered over the semester, but the struggles I've had with the passing of two friends. I'm presenting my writing below, as well as picture of Sam.
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| Sam on one of his many travels. |
There’s an old saying, and I’m not sure of
its origin or who was the first to say it, but I’m sure it is something that
all of us have heard: “the only thing that is constant, is change.” We all
understand that the world we live in today is one of rapid change, with the
increased technology that has occurred over the past century allowing us to buy
things with a click of a mouse, to send a message through a phone. Change is
not only constant, but it is everywhere around us. Change is slow, change is
sudden, change is personal, and change is large-scale.
When
thinking of myself as an agent of change, it’s often hard to believe that I
have much effect on anything outside of my personal context. I am one; one
voice, one body, one mind. It is the ever-present argument of the democratic
system, “I only have one vote, so what does it matter?” But to think in this
way is stifling, selfish, and incorrect. The changes of the world may seem like
large entities of thousands, too big to count and too powerful to measure, but
it’s ignorant to ignore that they often started as a power of one, of two, or
of few. The changes started within the inner-workings of one, and their ability
to arrive at a place within themselves to embrace and embody their motives for
change.
The
author Robert Pisnig, in his book Zen and
the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance states, “The place to improve the world
is first in one's own heart and head and hands, and then work outward from
there.” To be an agent of change then, one must be certain and comfortable in
their ability to enact such a transformation outside of themselves; it won’t
work if you are not fully convinced and believe in what you are fighting for.
This is where I sit, currently, as a 21-year-old young woman swirling in a
world of uncertainty, trial-and-error, and becoming. In popular culture, the
teenage years are painted as being painful, tough, and filled with anxiety and
angst. However I think this is a misconception, because no one warned me how
hard the twenties were going to be. My years as a twenty-something have consisted of a
relationship, a break-up, a devastating moral misstep and continual recovery, three
new countries, new anxieties, new friends, and the tragic loss of two excellent
ones as well. My strength, endurance, and soul have been tested in ways I’ve
never imagined, and my continual blooming in life has only showed me that, as
they say, it only gets harder.
Just as the twenties are filled with beauty and curiosity, they
are equally as complicated and hard to digest. I am discovering slowly the
complexities of life, the deep trenches that were not too long ago unknown to
me, as well as the high peaks that are hard to climb but worth the struggle.
It’s a constant wonder of, “am I doing this life thing right?” What will I make
of myself, how will I treat others, will I make my mother proud, am I living a
fulfilling life, will I be happy with what I am? It seems that the entering of
adulthood and the continuation through life is filled with this wonder, and
that this is just the beginning. And all the while, as we’re pondering these
incredibly boggling questions, we must continue to stay positive, experience
life with happiness and gratefulness, and remain humble. Just as the musical
artist Michael Fronti says, “sometimes the hardest thing to do is just to stay
human.”
While
I strive to make myself an agent of change, I must first be securing who I am.
It is a conscious struggle at first, in which we leave our inner kingdoms of
self and look outwards to the world community. It is our incredibly unique
ability as humans to be freethinking individuals that can simultaneously enact
change and be conscious of our ability to do so. The author David Foster
Wallace succinctly explains in his 2005 Kenyon College Commencement address
this battle: “The really important kind of freedom involves attention, and
awareness, and discipline, and effort, and being able truly to care about other
people and to sacrifice for them, over and over, in myriad petty little unsexy
ways, every day.” As beings on this planet, we are all in this together; if I
live my life in such an “unsexy way” then I hope that others are sacrificing in
ways that will help me as well. We can find beauty and change in everything;
the birth of new relationships, the loss of others. Each is a lesson, each is a
chance to make a change in us, to turn around and make a change in others.
So
this ever constant change in the intricacies of life? Yeah, I’m still working
on that part. I’m still digesting, still marinating, still looking for the
answers. We all are, and that’s the beauty of this crazy space and time in
which we exist. I hope that with each step I take I am building another block
of myself, another stride toward a greater change in the world. It’s the belief
that as one, I do matter. My vote counts. My voice can be heard. My body can
move. But I first, must embody the change in which I hope to cause. I want to
conclude with the end of the poem, “Here Am I,” by Anis Mojgani, an
award-winning spoken word poet, that deals with the questions of life: “Like
some cats say, something is better than nothing / Feet are smarter than an
engine / And dreams are stronger than thighs / And questions are the only
answers we need to know that we are alive as I am when I have the mind of a
child, asking why is 2 + 3 always equal to 5 ? / Where do people go to when
they die? / What made the beauty of the moon? / And the beauty of the sea? / Did
that beauty make you? / Did that beauty make me? / Will that make me something?
/ Will I be something? / Am I something? And the answer comes: already am,
always was, and I still have time to be.”
